Creepy bumper sticker of the day award

July 31st, 2008 | By Kelsey | 3 Comments »

Ferrets are little children in fur coats

The car’s license plate: WOOZLE

Awww, wook at the wittle ferret…

Is Peyton Manning the Governor of Indiana? You decide…

July 29th, 2008 | By Kelsey | 2 Comments »

The sweet stink of memories

July 22nd, 2008 | By Kelsey | 8 Comments »

This morning the smell of dew and skunk triggered the memory of a stinky encounter I had one morning jogging before high school.

I recounted the experience in a column that has run in Endurance Magazine and the Dayton City Paper. Here it is…

Skunks Stink
An early morning trail run gone wrong

By Kelsey Timmerman

I didn’t have a chance. Evolution was against me as I faced one of nature’s most terrifying animals.

Tens of millions of years had sharpened its glistening teeth and long claws into serrated flesh-tearers, but it’s not a frontal attack that inspires the terror. Nature perfectly placed two glands around the anus capable of packing a punch that would be far more remembered than any bite or scratch. A racer stripe of white runs down the animal’s coat of jet black fur, nature’s yield sign to any interested predators.

I was face to face with a skunk.

It was years ago on an early morning trail run before high school that I encountered skunkus stinkus. I caught a brief glimpse of black and white in the weeds alongside the trail. My heart jumped to my throat and I let out a shriek of surprise. I swear the skunk screamed too.

Nature had not only prepared the skunk for this moment, but also man. In defense, I went into a standing fetal position first perfected by an unlucky caveman about to be chomped on by a T-Rex. Cowering a fraction too long, I gave the surprised creature ample time to turn and aim its horrible little butt glands.

I kept running, thinking to myself, I wonder if that skunk sprayed me. I reached the end of the trail and still no smell. Turning into my driveway, Still no smell, but I wonder why Sammy (my dog) is not coming near me. I walked into the house, up the stairs to where my mom was getting ready for work, “Do I smell like skunk?”

She covered her face and muffled, “OH MY GOD,” fighting not to gag.

In cartoons, odors are often depicted as clouds in the shape of a finger beckoning characters to fresh apple pie. This was kind of like that, but far less pleasing. I sensed a presence coming up the stairs and I turned to face it. It was then that the odor balled up a fistful of stank and decked me across the face.

Mom quickly shooed me out of the house, and proceeded to call everyone we knew. That’s the thing about extreme skunk stink, once the nausea stops the laughing begins.

I arrived to school late with dried tomato juice in my ear. It was the only day I attended high school wearing cologne.

Rendezvous with Pepe

Skunks are nocturnal animals, putting early morning and evening joggers at the highest risk of smelly encounters.

If you encounter a skunk, don’t panic, be cool. In a calm fashion run away from the furry little devil as fast as you can. When you think you are beyond a skunk’s firing range, run some more, some skunks can shoot their malicious mix up to 15 feet.

If you receive a direct spray, people literally will be able to smell you a mile away. This will hinder your social life. Soon you will experience “olfactory fatigue” a phenomena where you can no longer smell the skunk spray. Whatever you do, do not bathe in tomato juice. This is an old wives’ tale. By doing so, you will accomplish nothing: You will smell like tomatoes to yourself, you will smell like skunk and tomatoes to others, and worse yet, you will look like an idiot walking around with dried tomato juice in your ears.

Trust me. I know.

To rid yourself of Pepe’s perfume, mix and bathe with:

- 1 Quart of 3% hydrogen peroxide
- ¼ of baking soda
- 1 teaspoon of liquid soap

It’s important to remember that skunks aren’t all bad. Some people raise them as pets, put necklaces on them, pose them next to American flags, and put them in skunk shows (I’m not kidding! Check out www.skunks.org). One researcher from the University of New Mexico believes so strongly that skunks are given a bad rap that he formed “The Dragoo Institue for the Betterment of Skunks and Skunk Reputation.”

Whether you are a member of Dr. Dragoo’s skunk pep squad, an owner of a pet skunk, or an innocent runner coming face to face with the critter, there’s no doubt about it…skunks stink.

A thread in which my life is threatened…

July 10th, 2008 | By Kelsey | 2 Comments »

Read my most recent death threat

This is only the second death threat I have received. Ever. The first one was in person.

If you held a gun to my head, and made me decide which type of death threats I would prefer to receive, I would have to go with the ones in year-old blog threads.

What’s your Wal-Mart ratio?

June 25th, 2008 | By Kelsey | 4 Comments »

I live in Muncie, Indiana, a city of 70,000 and we have two Wal-Mart Supercenters. That makes our Wal-Mart ratio 35,000 to 1.

If you take into account Meijer and Target, our big-box-stores-of-cheap-stuff ratio stands at 17,500 to 1.

What are your ratios?

I got thinking about this yesterday after talking with my publicist at Wiley. She told me that there wasn’t a Wal-Mart in Brooklyn, NY. That’s a world I can’t imagine. Where do people in Brooklyn buy all of their cheap crap and toothpaste?

Oreo, the GalleyCat, exploited?

June 5th, 2008 | By Kelsey | 4 Comments »

I’m Oreo’s writer. She is not my cat. The possession doesn’t flow that direction, unfortunately.

I scoop her poop. I pick her eye boogers. I put ice in her water. I stop working when she tells me to. When she demands it, I make room for her on my chair.

Media Bistro’s blog GalleyCat has accused me of exploiting Oreo for marketing purposes. Nothing could be farther from the truth. If anything, Oreo is exploiting me to spread Her Preciousness across the web.

GalleyCat, the website, reworked, GalleyCat, the photo:

Oreo is pleased with the photo appearing on another website, but she is offended by the LOLcat spelling. If she – being the supreme sentient being she is – chose to bless us with her words, spoken or written, they would be of perfect grammar and biting wit.

She will most certainly punish me for the way this has unfolded.

Me exploit her? I wish!

High school ME

June 4th, 2008 | By Kelsey | 4 Comments »

Remember high school YOU? The one that went to a Spanish Club meeting once, but once was enough to put it on your list of activities on your college application?

You thought you were so cool. But you weren’t.

Today, my mom was cleaning out some files on her computer and found my list of activities during my four years of high school. I was a Who’s Who (lame give-us-money-to-be-in-our-book scam if there ever was one), alter boy, Quizz bowl, basketball player.

Hell, I was an angel.

Meet High school me! (the formatting is a little screwed up, apparently I didn’t know how to make columns on word)

School and Community Activities

Freshman / Sophomore

Basketball-captain J.V. Basketball - Co.capt.
Student Council Student Council
Golf - “Most Improved” award Art Club
Traveling soccer team - Optimist Club Spanish Club
Statistician-football Science Club
Art Club S.A.D.D.
Spanish Club Quiz Bowl
FFA Who’s Who Boy Scouts Scholastic Team
Alter Boy - St. Mary’s Church Boy Scouts
Timmerman Truss - summer & weekend job Alter Boy - St. Mary’s Church Timmerman Truss - summer & weekend job

Junior / Senior Basketball Basketball
Student Council Art Club
Art Club Science Club
Science Club Spanish Club
Spanish Club - President Literature Club
S.A.D.D. S.A.D.D.
Jr. Class Vice President Quiz Bowl
Quiz Bowl Scholastic Team
Scholastic Team School News reporter - video
Who’s Who Who’s Who
Boy Scouts Homecoming Court
Alter Boy - St. Mary’s Church Boy Scouts
Assistant teacher - Pre-school St. Mary’s Timmerman Truss - summer & weekend job
Timmerman Truss - summer & weekend job

If this is true, how am I not gay?

June 2nd, 2008 | By Kelsey | 2 Comments »

This video shows commercials for 10 toys in the 80’s that might have “made you gay.” I was 4 for 10.

I had a wuzzle. I still remember his name – Bumble Lion

I was jealous of my friend’s Michael Jackson “Beat it” action figure. Alright it was a doll, but back then MJ could really kick some butt. Those thugs in “Beat it” didn’t have a chance!

I had a pogo ball.

I wore underoos. Here’s photographic evidence.

How much more hetero can you get than these three young studs?

Misremembering the English language

May 13th, 2008 | By Kelsey | No Comments »

I watched Roger Clemens testify before Congress. I laughed at him when he busted out “misremember” after “misremember”.

“That’s not even a word,” I said to the TV, talking around a bite of cold pizza.

Months later and I find “misremember” entering my everyday speech. I always say it with a wink and a nod and maybe a pair of air-quotes, as if everyone had spent hours on the Tuesday or Thursday – or whatever day the testimony was – watching it. Like it was our own inside joke.

Last night the guest on the daily show – some Washington crony whose book Stewart touted as “well foot-noted, making for a very slow read” – busted out “misremember”. I laughed, smug with the knowledge that I knew “misremember” wasn’t a word.

This morning I sat at my computer to write about how amazing it is that Roger Clemens, a baseball player, had invented a word that looks like it’s taking hold. But first I decided to look it up in the dictionary, even though I knew it wouldn’t be there. It was.

Misremember is a word.

And what a great word it is. Instead of having to say “I don’t recall” or “I can’t remember” or some other multi-word phrase, “misremember” is a tight little package of “hell, I don’t know.”

Have you used “misremember”? You should give it a try. Although if you’re testifying before Congress, you might want to be a bit more formal: “Sir, I cannot (conjunctions are too informal for Senators) at this time.”

Sweatshop the Game

May 7th, 2008 | By Kelsey | 3 Comments »

Does anyone remember the computer game Hot Dog stand in which you buy the hotdog, the buns, etc, and you see if you can make your little hot dog business work?

Well Sim-Sweatshop is kinda like that except instead of selling hot dogs for a profit you make shoes for a loss. Okay, other than they are both less than elementary introductions to economics, they’re nothing alike.

The goal of Sim-Sweatshop is to make three shoes in a day to earn your full day’s worth of pay – $6.05. You do this by dragging the parts of a shoe together. It’s frustrating, which I suppose is the point, because the game constantly interrupts you to eat or join a union or to buy your daughter some shoes. The closest I got to reaching my daily quota was 2 2/3rds pairs of shoes.

Do you think you have the mouse ability to be a successful shoe assembler?

PLAY SIM-SWEATSHOP