Mrs. Butterworth’s boobs

By Kelsey | November 4th, 2007 | 15 Comments »

Where did Mrs. Butterworth’s boobs go?

When I was kid she was much shapelier. Now, she’s as flat as a pancake.

There are only two reasons why they could have disappeared (none of which is that she is old and gravity plays on such things – because Mrs. Butterworth is ageless):

1) Economics - Pinnacle Food Company, which produces Mrs. Butterworth, decided that they could make a greater profit if they flattened her out, thus robbing consumers of two D-cups of her sweet nectar.

2) Prudishness - After decades of children and adult alike fondling the syrup maven, our culture cannot handle inanimate objects with anatomy.

Banished by corporate greed or by our ultra-conservative culture, Mrs. Butterworth’s boobs are gone.

I miss them.

Now when I’m holding Mrs. B upside down, there is no matronly shelf to rest my index finger upon. Instead, my finger slides down her midriff and onto her hands clasped at her waist, as if to console her.

She’s the saint of syrup with her halo of dried mapley goodness just below her cap, but she’s also a woman. A woman robbed of her womanliness.

Shame on Pinnacle Foods. Shame on us all for sitting idly and allowing them to perform a double mastectomy on our momma of maple.

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15 Responses to “Mrs. Butterworth’s boobs”

1. Kyle Timmerman Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 6:05 am

   Haha! Nice rant, Kels. Though I am a staunch proponent of maple syrup actually containing maple syrup, I have fond memories of childhood breakfasts with a bountifully busomed Mrs. Butterworth.

2. Kelsey Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 6:21 am

   Maple syrup is overrated. Give me my high-fructose corn syrup!

3. Kyle Timmerman Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 7:45 am

   You’re living a lie, Kels!

4. Kelsey Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 8:27 am

   Better to live a lie than to be a syrup snob.

5. Jenn Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 9:29 pm

   I agree with Kels. High-fructose corn syrup, please. And really, Kyle, does the bottle actually say MAPLE syrup? No. Mrs. Butterworth’s says ORIGINAL syrup. Mmmmmmm, yummy.

6. Kelsey Says:
   November 6th, 2007 at 4:51 am

   Jenn, glad to hear that you aren’t a syrup snob. Really, who has the time to tap a tree a wait until your pancakes are covered with a sufficient amount of syrup? Apparently Kyle. What a Loser.

7. Kent Says:
   November 6th, 2007 at 6:45 am

   I may have my citizenship revoked for saying this but I’m on the high-fructose, voluptuous side. Real maple syrup is overrated. You have to add sugar to make it taste good anyway.

   We should petition Pinnacle Foods. I mean, what is the company without its two most famous pinnacles?

8. Matt Barhorst Says:
   November 6th, 2007 at 7:21 am

   I have long since boycotted Mrs. Butterworth for her breast reduction surgery.

   As Seth said in “Superbad”…. ‘That’s like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.’

9. Kyle Timmerman Says:
   November 6th, 2007 at 7:25 am

   You’re all living in the matrix.

10. Kelsey Says:
    November 6th, 2007 at 8:14 am

    Kent - Wow! If you need an American sponsor to help you get into the country, let me know. Nice play on Pinnacles. How’d I miss that one?

    Matt - So you’re more of an Aunt Jemima kinda guy, huh? You know what they say…Once you go Aunt Jemima you never go back.

    Kyle - Have you seen life outside the Matrix? Everybody’s clothes are torn and they look stinky and pale. Please, leave me plugged in.

11. Kent Says:
    November 6th, 2007 at 11:48 am

    please Kels… I got nothing on “D-cups of sweet nectar” That is some golden-brown writing!

    Kyle - That oatmealish goo they were eating looked like it could really use some Ms. Butterworth’s. Admit it!

12. Kelsey Says:
    November 6th, 2007 at 12:11 pm

    Kent - Thanks. Although, I did feel somewhat disturbed as I pondered what cup-size Mrs. Butterworth wore.

13. Lynne Says:
    November 7th, 2007 at 11:38 am

    Hey there, Kels, Kyle, Jenn, Matt & Kent! You guys sure jump right in with all kinds of views when Kels writes about the stuff that “really matter.”

14. Melissa Says:
    November 7th, 2007 at 1:41 pm

    I think the number of comments on Mrs Butterworth’s boobs is about the same as the comments on spit.

    Who knew this is what your readership gets passionate about: spit and syrup

15. Kelsey Says:
    November 7th, 2007 at 8:10 pm

    Imagine a post about spitting syrup…

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